Journey to the Center of Mockery
Friday, September 9, 2011
In which another classic is observed…
Rain.
Sweet rain.
Windows open.
The mornings were all in the 60’s now.
The busies of the day…
OLeif gone by five.
New death certificates located in the Hamilton missing link project.
Emails to local cemeteries…
Discrepancies in states of parents’ birth…
Irritating dead-ends, even down to the matter of the husbands and wives being buried in separate plots, or even in different cemeteries, thereby offering little proof of connection whatsoever…
Consulting research based in London for Dad’s business.
The beginnings of the next book for Puck, this time with Collette’s professional-grade stick-man illustrations.
Endless Bible readings and Bible listenings for Puck.
Earnest was in regulation surgery that morning.
The list was a long one, really; it never ended.
Donkey made an unexpected return that morning at around 10:30, train ticket still clipped to his ear. Puck was thrilled. Apparently Doctor Who had made a surprise drop-off, avoiding the matter of further European post cards, trans-Atlantic cruises, and train stations…
Note to self: keep future surprises under lock and key.
“Next time Donkey goes traveling to tell people about Jesus, I will go with him. He missed me so bad. I love you, Donkey. He’s been gone for 40 years! He came a long way from Southanora.”
The rain continued throughout the day. Silver curtain, bringing with it the carpet of falling yellow leaves, starved for thirsty rain.
OLeif back by six.
Pizza. Aldi.
Miles Davis: Sketches of Spain.
Puck had gone down for the night…
“Where’s all that pepper coming from?” Puck yelled from his room.
“I don’t know. Why?”
“’Cause I was, I was about to… achoo!”
Movie night. 8:00. Everyone but Bing and Carrie-Bri, who was catching up with Louis Tecumseh after two and a half years. Boxed Aldi brownie mix. And the original presumed-German Aldi-version of the Cheez-It was substituted by the real thing at the last minute. Aldi was awesome, but not awesome enough for the Cheez-it. And Rose choosing: Journey to the Center of the Earth, an amazing first-time see for OLeif and Magnus, and license to incorporate further mockery, from all sides.
Journey to the Center of the Earth, the 1959 version, of course, was a prime Snicketts staple. That, with The Three Caballeros and War of the Worlds, the 1953 version, of course.
And so it began…
“This movie made me go to Iceland.”
“This movie made me want to get a girl.”
“Why are they singing that?”
“Oh, yeah, that’s the song we always sang when Dad came into the room…”
“So he’s still singing after having climbed the volcano at that incline and altitude…”
“That’s because he’s wearing plaid pants.”
Hans, who in actual-life had competed in the 110 meter hurdles in Rome’s 1960 Olympics.
Gertrude… and Joe and Magnus quacking intermittently, including a brief version of Taps at the discovered death of professor Göteborg. And when his widow conveyed his final telegram, ‘Come’…
“I don’t know if I would have responded to that. It seems kind of demanding…”
“Yeah, I would have said, ”Why? I’m busy shopping’.”
“’I’m buying everything green today!’”
The usual extolling of Jules Verne and his genius continued throughout the film by Collette, Joe, and Rose.
And when Professor Lindenbrook refused to bring Madame Carla with him into the nether regions of the world…
“’Girls! Gross!’”
Somewhere in the middle of everything, Rose explained ‘the vampire sneeze’ to the boys.
Gertrude again…
“Who would bring a duck into the center of the Earth…”
“’We can make pillows!”
The awesome soundtrack continued.
Joe learned a new instrument: clicking ice cubes in his teeth. Sounded rather African in nature…
Collette lauded Professor Lindenbrook’s beautiful leather gloves.
And the everlasting mockery of Alec and his dumbness…
“’Aw, I’m such a dumb scientist…’”
“Oh, OLeif, you missed the ripping of the shirt scene.”
“Eew.”
“No hair.”
“Yup. He’s got some, Remember, the arm pit swing is coming up.”
“Too… much… salt.”
“For a scientist from Scotland, he’s pretty tan.”
“’I’m so stupid. This movie’s a metaphor for my dumbness.’”
“Well, at least he’d be well preserved in all that salt.”
“Yeah, all tan… And… Scottish.”
“We’ve searched the whole underground of the world and we can’t find him.”
“What’s this movie about?…”
“Mushrooms! Gnomes dancing around!”
“They’re the End-of-the-World-Mushrooms!”
“He’s so dumb. Stupid freshman.”
“’We haven’t learned about mushrooms yet.’”
And when Pat Boone began making the poetic moves on Carla…
“That’s what I’m going to say to a girl,” said Joe. “I’ll tell her her eyes are as dark as night, that her eyes are just like eyes.”
The professor awoke from the best sleep of his life under mushrooms…
“Just dreaming about world peace and gnomes…”
“And this rock pillow.”
“Sleep… Like little slices of death… Yup, that’s what I used to tell Mom to let me stay up late.”
The awesome dragon-lizards…
“’Looks like meat’s back on the menu, boys!’”
“They’re the best!”
“Yeah, I can see them running around the Snicketts house. And Earnest is the king of lizards. They venerate him because he’s fuzzy and has fluffy ears.”
“’We would like to welcome you to the Center of the Earth!’”
“’We made you a pie!’”
Lizard death… Carnage, cannibalism…
“’Thanks, guys!’”
“’He was our least-favorite friend.’”
Blood…
“It’s just a lizard puppet stuffed with tomatoes.”
Gold-sucking whirlpool at the center of the Earth…
“Remember when Wally, Curly, and I made that giant whirlpool at the YMCA and got in trouble for it?…”
“Who would bring a duck to the center of the Earth?”
“Who wouldn’t bring a duck to the center of the Earth?”
“His grandma probably gave it to him.”
“The people of Atlantis ate oysters…”
“They were oysters? Whaaat?”
Volcanic shaft…
“Ooh! Hair dryer!”
Lava…
“It’s a chili competition. That’s the one that lost.”
“We always thought it was red oatmeal.”
“So… they’re in an asbestos bowl… wouldn’t they still get hot? Sauteed humans?”
Dumb kissing scene…
“I thought it was pretty hot when I was five…”
“Kye yie yie!”
And the evening ended with a running back-and-forth dialogue of mouse hunting and mouse heads on the wall, going after eleven…
Yes, these were Friday Night Movie Nights.
“Here’s to the prof of geology,
Master of all natural history.
Rare boy, he,
And rare boys, we,
To know such a big curiosity.
To the prof, kye yie yie yie!
To the best, kye yie yie yie!
To the next, kye yie yie yie!
Kye yie yie yie!”