Market, Soda Shop, Middle Earth

Friday, December 16, 2011
In which that one day of the year comes around again already…

Soulard Day.
Crown Candy Day.
For everyone but Carrie-Bri and Rose. And Francis and Linnea had brought friends: Zuñi and Eleda, respectively. Grandma added in for a total of eleven. It never changed. Festive pyramids of fruits and vegetables. Hazelnuts, tangerines, Christmas candy. Octopus. Oxtail; oh, yes, Grandma bought one of those. For soup. A Gus’ pretzel stick for Puck, right off the bat from Grandma. Mom bought Collette some smoked cheddar. Linnea picked up a box of orange bell peppers for three dollars. And the fire bellied toads and soft gray bunnies at the pet shop where OLeif suggested they pick up a bag of chicken feed for the charlatans in the backyard…
“I call them the Three Stooges,” he said.
And…
“They have a chicken?” Joe crowed. “I’m gonna buy it!”
Linnea was displeased that she could not add a fifth bunny to the mounting collection at home.
“Carrie just wants to be the only one in the family who owns bunnies,” she said darkly.
“Well then,” said Joe, “make her jealous. Get that rooster.”
And other oddities. Signs at the butcher:
“Yes, we have coon!”
Pig heads, farm fresh eggs, bar soap, boxes of Italian pasta.
Coconuts.
Cactus leaves.
Sugar cane.
Or at the bakery…
“Sausage and pancake on a stick”.

Eleven o’clock was approaching.
Dad, who had been reading in the van, chauffeured them to their next destination behind Mom and Grandma. They pulled up alongside them at a traffic light. Joe, riding shot gun, apparently found this to be the opportune moment to roll down the window and shout out a volley of cat calls, wiggling around in some ridiculous tribal dance while they waited for the light to change…
“Where you ladies goin’? We gonna party over at Crown Candy!”
He and Dad also exchanged stories of avoiding the elevator at work and taking the stairs. All 30+ for Dad when he had taken one particular contract downtown.
Later, when they managed to get separated from Mom and Grandma, Joe took a call from Mom.
“Don’t worry about it, Mom. I know where I’m going…… What? Man’s intuition.”
At one precarious turn, Mom’s empty coffee cup took a tumble.
“Mom and her coffee cups,” Joe scolded. “Speaking of which, is my coffee still sitting up in the drink holder back there?”
As they cruised up to Crown Candy, they passed a new coffee house: La Mancha.
“I can’t go there,” said Joe. “Looks like a hippie coffee house.”
“All coffee houses are,” OLeif replied.
Crown Candy Kitchen was already beginning to bust at the scenes. They managed to split themselves up between the last three available booths and ordered the usual round of Reubens, Big Cheeses, BLTs, and chocolate shakes. Plus a little licorice bridge mix for OLeif, a “licory stick” for Puck, and a fat peanut butter cup for Collette.

On the ride home, Linnea and Eleda sang to Tarkan and Brass Monkey.
“There’s a lot of nice cars out here,” said Joe, as they cruised north of 70.
“That’s because they’re involved in things they shouldn’t be doing,” Dad suggested.
“They’re not dealing in pancakes. Let’s just put it that way,” said OLeif.
And then Dad shared how, when he had often visited a particular park to eat lunch when at work, he once saw a knick in the park sign and noticed an aluminum landing gear door on the ground beside it. He called the FAA, and sure enough, one of the planes recently landed at the airport, had lost a door.
Then Joe shared how he was going to replace his car horn with a train horn. He followed this with making Puck’s new red rubber boots walk across the dash board and jump to the floor…
“Oh! What a brave boot!”
“Oh. He’s a little shy, isn’t he?”
Puck was interested.
Then Dad suggested that Joe should get a job working on Sesame Street…

Back at the house, Carrie was baking Target-brand peanut butter cookies while reminiscing about a girl she had once threatened, when kids, to stay away from Bing English.
“She always carried a parasol and wore lace things. She curtsied when she met adults… She was going in the mud.”
OLeif had cranked out a logo for Carrie’s business.
The Incredibles was on the tele while Mom and Grandma napped.
Linnea to volleyball.
And for the evening, most of the crew was headed to Old St. Charles for shopping and caroling with the church choir around the little bonfires, cookies, and cocoa. And OLeif would be handling the violin and mandolin for the evening.
Collette and Puck returned home.

8:30 brought the kids over for the final third of the trek through New Zealand.
The evening began with tales of horror from the library and thoughts from the Christmas tree…
“Pink is not my color.”
“It’s magenta. Magenta.”
Rose was back to her usual Frodo bash in the basement over Little Debbie’s Christmas snack cakes and Dr. Pepper…
“He’s completely useless. Sam would have done everything better.”
“Ug. Why didn’t they make him wear shoes.”
“Really?” said OLeif. “Do you know how much leather that would take?”
As Saruman leaned over the edge of his tower into the abyss, Wormwood appeared over his shoulder…
“’This is my girl friend…?’” Magnus said. “’She listens to music I never heard of…?’”
“’Do a dance,’” OLeif thundered. “’Do a dance for them.’”
And… as could only be predicted… Magnus and Joe, right on cue with the first appearance of the elves… began their atonal slightly off-key Middle Earth choir. And Joe began his hippie elf impersonation, wobbling all over the floor…
With shards of Narsil hammered together…
“That is not how that works…” OLeif droned.
And with the revisited view of the White City…
“Why do they have a launch pad?” Magnus asked.
“That’s for the pegasus,” OLeif replied.
As the steward demolished a plate of chicken and tomatoes…
“Are you sure that’s not blood?” Collette asked.
“Probably it’s bear,” said Magnus. “Oh, so it’s ok for humans to eat bear, but not for bears to eat humans?”
Aragorn was handed the reforged sword…
“’Come on, rock star,’” said OLeif. “’Rock this blade.’”
“How heavy could that thing be?” Rose asked.
“Oh. It’s heavy,” said Magnus. “I wielded it.”
“That would be like taking Puck by the feet and holding him straight up in the air with one arm,” said OLeif, for perspective.
And of course during several times throughout the night, Magnus or Joe could be seen doubled over in cackling or crying laughter.
As the blondie was advised by her uncle to see to the ruling of the city upon occasion of his death in glorious battle…
“’But there won’t be any men left, so you’ll have to go into the mountains to find husbands,’” Magnus advised.
“Mountain men!” OLeif declared.
Extraneous gorilla noises.
Cave trolls strolled onto the battlefield, beating their drums…
“’I don’t really wanna fight,’” OLeif whined for them. “’I just wanna make music.’”
All the battle flags waved onto the scene…
“Those banners all represent different interest groups,” said Magnus.
And with the arrival of the electric green ghost hordes…
“He’s got a disease called Crumb-ely Jaw,” said Rose.
“’Oh no! I’ve got the Crumb-ely Jaw! Nooo-ooo-ooo!’”
As the skulls burst out of the tomb city…
“Why are there so many skulls?” OLeif asked.
“Does it matter?” Magnus laughed.
“Why does every scene end with them running out of a mountain with smoke behind them?” Rose asked.
“That’s not smoke. That’s bone dust.”
Battle ensued…
“Oh, that poor elephant,” said Rose. “They didn’t moisturize its feet.”
This brought to light Rose’s current annoyance with her cat.
“Wait. You don’t like your cat now?” Magnus asked. “Why?”
“It never leaves me alone. I have to lock it in the other room when I eat and when I sleep. It won’t leave me alone. And it tries to knock over my candlesticks.”
“Aren’t they supposed to want to be around you?” OLeif asked.
“I just thought it was going to be a grumpy cat.”
“’Here,’” said OLeif. “’I would like to return this not grumpy cat.’”
And as the tower of the eye came crumbling down to the ground…
“You gotta wonder what goes on in that tower…”
“Taxes.”
“Payroll and administration.”
And yet another meeting of the Mystery Science Theater 3000 club concluded at after one o’clock.